Step 1: Move into a sketchy basement apartment in the woods that was never originally designed to be a living space.
Definitely make sure it's very dark and so damp that your parents have to gift you a dehumidifier just so you can breathe when you sleep, that your bedroom has no windows (especially if you love sunshine), and that the bedrooms have no doors. That last part is especially important--no real privacy will get you a long way towards insanity in next to no time. If the apartment has a history of bad mold problems, so much the better!
Step 2: Make sure to move in with a roommate whose concept of "cleanliness" is on the completely opposite end of the spectrum from your own.
This one works best if you lean a little more to the Type A side and move in with a roommate who doesn't regularly clean up after him- or herself. Not only will the house never be as clean as you want it to be, YOU'LL get to do all the cleaning yourself! This is a great tactic to give you a nice big shove towards that elusive precipice of insanity, especially as it precipitates confrontation, which generally drives everyone bonkers.
Step 3: Make sure to get extremely homesick.
Because there's nothing quite like missing your family and friends and the familiarity you just left while you're getting progressively more miserable.
Step 4: Make sure your roommate's cat eats your cat's food.
Not only will it mean your cat isn't getting as much to eat, it'll make your grocery bill go up!
Step 5: Every time you sit down in your graduate classes, make sure you feel like you know absolutely nothing about anything, and least of all about the subject matter you're supposed to be in grad school for.
This one's a no-brainer, comes pretty naturally, and will aggravate your mental-emotional state in no time. Throw in a few typical early 20s existential and career path crises here and there and you're on your way to a guaranteed breakdown!
Step 6: See if you can get your roommate's indoor-outdoor cat to bring home fleas that then infest your indoor-only cat and your apartment.
This one sounds tricky, but if you can get this to happen, it's pretty much a home run with the bases loaded. That dark, damp basement apartment that was barely livable in the first place? It'll now be a horrendous hell-hole you won't be able to stand going home to! Before long, you'll start obsessing over the issue, pouring out obscene amounts of money you can't afford to spend for flea treatments and remedies, having nightmares that you're crawling with tiny blood-sucking parasitic insects, start losing sleep, and completely lose your appetite. If this doesn't make you lose your cool and start losing your mind, I don't know what will!
Step 7: Make sure you feel like you can't focus in class.
This should be pretty easy, given everything that's going on in your personal life, but it'll also help you feel like you're slowly but surely going utterly batty.
Step 8: Make sure your cat gets so mad at you for poking through his fur and locking him in the other room that he starts pooping all over the apartment indiscriminately.
In corners on concrete and stone floors is the best, and bonus points if you come home to find feces scraped up against a wall. This may sound like something fairly easy to deal with, but if you're already on your way too Kookooville, this'll be a surefire way to push you further along!
Step 9: After talking with your roommate and asking him or her to clean up after him- or herself a little better, step on some shattered glass in the kitchen he or she didn't clean up the very next morning.
Not only will you have cuts on your feet, you'll be so ready to get out of your hell-hole you could scream! You're getting close now!
Step 10: Make sure there's a scholars' conference coming up that you're supposed to (and feel utterly under qualified to) present in.
This one by itself probably wouldn't do much for you, but combined with everything else, my friend, prepare to feel like you're spiraling out of control!
Step 11: Clean/Vacuum/Sweep/Comb your cat/Wash your bedding and clothing OBSESSIVELY.
The more paranoid, the better! If it's all you can think about even when you're not in the house, you're headed the right way! And remember what the vet said: it could be up to three whole months before you're actually rid of the little buggers!
Step 12: Wake up to find fleas on your blanket despite your obsessive cleaning.
It's a perfect way to start off your day, especially if you love feeling unsettled and the mildest bit hysterical.
Step 13: Make sure you don't sleep through the night for days on end.
The classic sleep-deprivation tactic. Works like a charm!
If you follow all of these steps, you are GUARANTEED to feel insane in two months or less. If you don't, you must have either a disposition of steel or the long-suffering of a saint and, in that case, you may have to go to even more extreme measures to go full-blown batshit crazy. But if you're right out of undergrad and just moved far away from home for the first time, you should be be certifiably nuts (or well on your way) in just a matter of weeks! Congratulations!
[Disclaimer: If you meet some really great people who offer their help in various capacities, have really wonderful and supportive parents who keep tabs on you through all your various crises, spend copious amounts of time in coffee shops listening to calming music, or find a pretty studio apartment and decide to move out of your current living arrangement, the effects of the crazy could be greatly diminished. For best results, stay in the flea-infested apartment wallowing in your own self-pity as long as possible. And under no circumstances should you write about your experiences in a facetious manner, as this could be therapeutic.]
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