Some Nights

I can fall asleep and stay asleep basically anywhere, at any time, in pretty much any circumstances if I'm tired enough. As in, I must really be struggling if my head's been on the pillow for longer than ten minutes and I'm still not asleep. Even if the overhead light is on and there's music playing. I've had many a roommate express envy.

Tonight is one of those struggling nights.

I've been thinking about yesterday morning's movie theater shooting in Aurora, Colorado today, in company, I'm sure, with countless others. And it's still on my mind tonight.

I just finished reading a blog post by a woman who was with her kids in the theater when the shooting happened and escaped. The post is a testament to her faith. She proclaims God's profound mercy in the midst of the tragedy boldly and unfalteringly.

Please, don't mistake me. I am deeply relieved for this woman, her family, and their community that they are still together. Her words are and will be inspiring--in only hours after the tragedy, her proclamation of the grace and mercy of God has gone viral. I am moved by her faith, and my heart is glad for her.

She describes that she and her family feel closer to God because of this. She claims that, in the midst of meaningless horror, God is merciful because he spared them.

Please, don't mistake me. I do not ask these questions with any hint of hostility or cynicism or out of any desire to belittle her, her faith, or her experience, but out of genuine confusion and a desire to understand something that I cannot.

If God is merciful because he spared her life and the lives of her children, where was his mercy when the others died?

If God protected her because she spoke prayers of protection over her and her children as the horror was unfolding, were the people who died not praying? Or not praying hard enough? Is that really the common denominator?

I've been in Sunday School almost all my life. I know the right answers to these questions. Things like, God has a bigger picture orchestrated and it's all part of the plan. Or Job's answer--the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away, and who are we to question? Or that God has given man free will, and chooses not to intervene because to do so would be to remove that free will, even from a murderer. Or that we are small and should not expect or presume to understand how God works. Or even, God is merciful because he is merciful--the events that unfolded in that theater are not an indicator of his mercy or love any more than plucking petals from a daisy determines another person's affection for you. All the right answers.

But often even these fall flat on ears that are straining for meaning. And in those hours of the night, when you can't fall asleep and lie there, still, not sure whether the room or your mind is darker, you sometimes find yourself thinking that there must be places beyond answers.