Senior Life: Continued

I'm planning on two posts today.

This one: I will talk about senioritis, about options, and also about wanting something so bad you can taste it but not wanting to get your hopes up.

The next post: I will give a progress update on my senior showcase My Name is Rachel Corrie.

But firstly.

I always thought senioritis was a myth. All through school. High school. College. Whatever. I never thought it was actually a real thing. I thought it was some lame excuse people made up so they could skip through the hallways throwing papers around, refusing to give a flying flip.

Then I got to this semester. I was fine right up until this last semester of my undergraduate career. And then it hit, and I found out senioritis was real.

Oh, and it doesn't feel anything like I thought it would, either. I thought, if it did exist, it would be this blissful, beautiful place where I just stopped caring. But no. Oh no no. I still care. I still hit panic mode when it's the night before and I still haven't started that assignment that's due at 8 a.m. I still get ulcers worrying that everything won't get done.

I just don't do it. I can't make myself! It's awful.

Fortunately (and this actually might be part of the problem), I really do have a very easy semester. The easiest semester I've ever had, actually. I've worked hard to get here, it feels fantastic, and I'm just coasting on my way out.

Speaking of which, let's now talk about options.

About this time last year, my greatest fear was of getting to the end of senior year and having zero options and no place to go. Which would then lead me to just spontaneously up and move to a big city where, resourceless, I would probably crash and burn and end up eking out an existence from a glorified cardboard box.

Or worse, an actual cardboard box.

Well, those fears have been mostly alleviated.

I have options!

Which is a lot more than many seniors in college can say before they graduate.
What I didn't realize is that, when you have options, the options don't always play well together and then you have to make decisions.

So this week, I've had to wrestle with which options I will or won't give up, based on what might or could happen. Fortunately, I found out I can delay actually making a decision for a couple of months which helps immensely.

Which brings me to:

Have you ever wanted something really badly?

I'm not talking about really wanting a popsicle on a hot day. I'm talking about, like, if you get this thing, it would simultaneously affirm your life choices up to that point, fulfill you, and give you hope for your future. And you know you shouldn't put so much stock into it, because when you step back it doesn't sound like much. But you know that, now that you've built it up in your mind, you'll be devastated if you don't get it?

That's this job I've applied for.

And I know, if I don't get it, I'll probably be able to look back and be okay with it. And that there will probably be other opportunities. And I'll probably be at peace with wherever I end up this fall.

It's just weird because most things I've wanted this badly I've usually had some measure of control over whether or not they come to be. It's usually something that, if I work hard enough, or practice enough self-control, or save up enough, or think through enough, I can get it. But not this. I've done everything I can and now it's out of my hands and I don't even know what my odds are of it actually happening.

I REALLY WANT THIS JOB.

So anyway. To get my mind off of it, I'll move on and talk about my senior project. Next post!