A big one is that I am easily persuaded. The minute I put forth an opinion even remotely leaning toward either end of any spectrum, someone responds with a very persuasive argument to the contrary and I think, "Huh. He or she has a great point." There's always something I didn't think of; some point that makes me see something from an angle I've never seen it from before. I'll think I've made up my mind about an issue, then I'll hear a fantastic argument on the opposing side and all my certainty is gone. Maybe this makes me wishy-washy or weak-minded, I don't know. But I've never been very good at holding stubbornly and solidly to one side. Because I start to see things from other people's points of view very easily.
Another reason I don't often like to put forth my opinions is because it very rarely does anything for me. I'm very non-confrontational. I personally don't enjoy being around people who are constantly lambasting me with their 5,000 very pointed opinions, thank you very much, so I try not to be that person. I don't particularly want to be known for what I'm for or against. I'd rather be known for other characteristics.
But today, I'm going to pull out one of my little soapboxes. Unlock the little black safe at the back of my mind, pull out one of my opinions, and air it in public. [If you look closely you might even see more than one. Shocking.]
Some people know this about me: I LOVE listening to the radio. I always have to find a favorite radio station. Some people also know that I haven't generally been a fan of Christian radio in recent years. Part of that could be DJ-ing for the Christian station at my Christian college + Christian campus culture + Christian chapel 3x/week + Christian church on Sundays = CHRISTIAN CULTURE OVERLOAD PLEASE DEAR GOD LET ME LISTEN TO ANYTHING BUT CHRISTIAN MUSIC WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO. You know me. Always the rebel.
Anyway. I thought I'd found a radio station I liked in town. It was a "top hits, '80s-till-now" kind of station--a little mix of everything from classic rock to current pop hits. But the other day they did this super annoying thing. They started playing non-stop Christmas music. ON NOVEMBER FIRST. I mean, double-yew tee eff. Am I right?
So, just after Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree and right as Amy Grant was launching into Hark the Herald Angels, I switched the station and landed on the Spirit FM station for the Roanoke/Shenandoah Valley area. Despite my afore-stated aversion to Christian stations, I've discovered that when you're no longer in Christian Culture Overload Land, Chris Tomlin and TobyMac are actually very welcome old friends.
So I'm driving into town in the morning. Listening to Spirit FM. And a lady's voice introduces herself as a representative for Proverbs 31 Ministries. I immediately raise an eyebrow, but keep listening. The following isn't word for word, but it's roughly what lady-on-the-radio said:
"My attempts to change my husband thoroughly failed, so I prayed that God would change him. Well, that didn't work either. I was so fed up with things that JJ would do and say! But what I didn't realize is that things I was saying and doing were tearing JJ down and making him insecure as a man. That's when I started praying for God to change me. And it worked! I held my tongue when he said or did things that annoyed me. And I realized I needed to use my words and actions to build JJ up and support him rather than tear him down. [Insert a verse taken entirely out of context and some closing self-satisfied comment about how 'God is making me a better wife every day.']"
I'm sorry, but my skin was crawling. And I do realize that, of any arena, I'm not very entitled to opinions in the "marriage" one as I'm nowhere even remotely close to it, but I have been in a few relationships and so, yes, thank you, I have an opinion.
Aren't relationships [marriages included] supposed to be partnerships? And I realize we're now entering the lovely complementarian-egalitarian debate territory [one of my favorites, Rachel Held Evans, has a few good starting points if you want to dive into that one], but aren't relationships [marriages] based on respecting AND caring for each other? Call me a feminist but so much of the language in that spot struck the exact same nerve as some of those offensive sexist magazine ads.
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| *SHUDDER* |
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| WUT |
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| Okay. Enough of those. My blood pressure's rising. |
And maybe this really is very personal. Maybe it really is "to each his own" here, but I would rather my relationship and eventually my marriage be a partnership. I want more than anything for us to be equals. Not identical. I'm not saying men and women are the same. I'm simply saying that, like an exercise in my stage combat class recently,
[watch this YouTube video if you want to get an idea]
if you don't share the weight equally as you lean in and rely on the pressure you're exerting on one another, one of you is going to lose your balance and hit the ground. It takes effort from both of you to keep each other upright. [This isn't meant to be a perfect metaphor, but it's pretty close.]
I'm not saying that any of the things she mentioned in the spot are bad things. No, they're all good things. They're all things that have to happen in relationships to make them work. But I guess what I want to ask is, can't these two people just communicate? Surely she does things that annoy him too. So can't it be something they do together? Address their insecurities together? Build each other up? Stop tearing each other down? Don't both parties have an equal responsibility here? And I realize that the ad is one-sided because it's supposed to be, I suppose, as it was created by an organization specifically targeting women. I just get very uncomfortable when I start to feel that I'm being told that it's squarely my responsibility... simply because I'm a woman... to make the relationship work. No. Healthy relationships take two sharing the weight equally. And yes, it takes hella good communication and lots of experience to make that happen in practical, real, everyday-life-reality outside of Metaphor and Theory Land. Have I figured it out? Psh. Obviously not. Has anyone? I know some people who are really good at it, but I don't know that anyone has it figured out perfectly, and no two relationships are alike. But for someone to come along beside me and strive for that equal partnership--someone to commit to working toward that with me--I know that's what I want.
Okay. Soapbox pushed back into the corner. Little black safe locked back up. That's enough inflammatory opinions expressed for one evening I think. As you were.
